


Once bitten and twice shy

by silvervelour



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Christmas fic for my Christmas gays, F/F, Jan and Jackie both work for the same publishing company, New Years, a New York romance over the course of a year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28273368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvervelour/pseuds/silvervelour
Summary: “Oh-”. Lagoona interjects.The conversation at hand is forgotten.“-They didn’t have your usual mocha so I got you like, a chai latte? I remember you said you liked those before”.And Jan does.But so does Jackie.The taste brings thoughts of her back, and it tantalises and torments each part of Jan’s tongue. She remembers coffee dates and relaxed brunches, late night conversations and evenings spent at Christmas markets across the city. Her eyes flash with brown eyes and silky hair, beauty mark dotted skin and hands that could have - and once did, almost - hold Jan’s world. She’d been a fleeting presence but had left a lasting impact, and Jan knows that it’s not one that she’s going to get over anytime soon.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 16
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Did soooomeeebody say Christmas fic? no? well you're getting one anyway!!
> 
> This is heavily inspired by Last Christmas by Wham aka the best Christmas song, and I know I say this about literally every fic I post but I have TRULY fallen in love with these girls. Ft a lot of Stephanie's Child and my wife Izzy Uncut bc they deserve all of the loveee
> 
> Let me know what you think babies!! <3

Jan meets Rosé and Lagoona through her job at  _ DOLLS _ Magazine. 

And from then on, she counts them as some of her ride or dies. 

The three of them had gained the nickname Stephanie’s Child - or rather gave it to themselves - after a night of singing karaoke at a bar downtown. 

They’d sang  _ survivor _ at the top of their lungs, fuelled by sticky shots of tequila and vodka soda chasers, and Jan hadn’t stopped beaming all night. It had been a grimmy contrast to their suited office day jobs where they were made to swap mini skirts for tailored trousers and low cut tops for turtle necks, but Jan had been content with the stupid fun that the women doused upon her. They’d sucked on segments of lime through raucous cackles, and Jan had woken up the following morning with a shitty hangover but heartwarming texts to their group chat that had read: _ I already know working together is gonna be the most fun _ and  _ daaaaamn Jan’s got a voice! _

At  _ DOLLS _ , Jan runs a dating advice column. It’s reminiscent of 90’s  _ Cosmopolitan _ spreads, often accented by what some would consider to be tacky pink backgrounds and bold, unapologetic statements. The irony of her job isn’t lost on Rosé and Lagoona, who are always cracking jokes about her being the one to offer readers advice when she herself is perpetually single. Jan always bites back that Lagoona is in no position to judge when her apartment often looks like the aftermath of a hurricane despite being in charge of the lifestyle and renovation segment, but leaves Rosé and her gossip column alone. Probably for the best, she thinks; Rosé has the mouth of a foghorn and isn’t afraid to use it. 

In the lead up to Christmas, things get busier. 

But Jan likes to think that she thrives under a certain kind of pressure. 

They’re swept off their feet, hurrying to meet deadlines for articles that still need to be sent to print during their break between Christmas and New Year. Jan spends more time at the office than she does her own apartment but she thinks that the payoff is worth it when she sees the final sample results. Rosé brings them over to Jan’s desk so that she’s able to scrutinise them on their last Friday of the year, and Jan is restless in her swivelling desk chair. Her flared trousers skim against the floor as she moves - her heels have long since been kicked off onto the carpet - and she has the sleeves of her jumper rolled up, claiming the action helps her focus better. 

“Gorg, these look  _ insane- _ ”. Jan squeals. 

“-The layout! The features!”. 

“Right?-”. Rosé agrees enthusiastically. 

“-It was Goona’s idea to go for the blue, duh. Doesn’t it look fuckin’ fantastic?”. She points at one of the double page spreads. 

And Jan has to nod along, because she thinks that it’s maybe the best issue they’ve produced in a while. As she moves her head, the claw clip that had been holding her hair in a sleek low bun begins to slip. It leaves strands of warm, blonde highlighted hair curling around her face, but she tucks them behind her ears so that she’s able to keep looking at the pages. As she flips through to Rosé’s gossip column, she looks up once more. When she does so, it’s to the sight of an auburn haired Lagoona closing the glass door to the office behind her, arms precariously balancing three takeout coffee cups. 

“Speak of the devil”. Jan grins. 

She turns in her chair, faces a grinning Lagoona and a perplexed Rosé. 

“Not that I’m not happy to see you-”. Rosé starts. 

“-But didn’t you have a meeting this afternoon?”. She frowns. 

Lagoona hands one cup to Jan and then one to Rosé, before perching on the edge of Jan’s desk with her own cup cradled close to her chest. The signature red of the Starbucks cup contrasts with the aqua of her blazer, and Jan bites back a comment about their fashion columnist Gigi being brought to tears if she were to see such a sight. Lagoona is already sipping away at her choice of coffee - no doubt a peppermint hot chocolate - and then smirks smuggly over the lid of it. She licks her lips, crosses her legs at the ankles and points her patent heels. 

“Smashed it, ladies. The contract is all mine”. She sings. 

The joy that Jan feels for her is instantaneous. Once she’s set down her coffee on a lilac coaster that she keeps next to her computer, careful not to spill it, she bounds out of her seat to wrap Lagoona in a hug. She squeezes her arms tightly despite Lagoona’s initial protests, and even gets a usually begrudgingly affectionate Rosé to join them. Jan knows that they must look crazy, group hugging in the middle of the office, but she’s proud and happy, thrilled for her best friend. Lagoona is chanting  _ thank you thank you thank you _ over and over into the space between them and when they eventually pull away, the three of them are grinning. 

“You did it!”. Jan cheers. 

Rosé isn’t far behind. 

“Lagoona Bloo, trainee editor-”. She tests. 

“-Kinda’ has a ring to it, huh?”. 

At Rosé’s words, Lagoona sighs dreamily. Jan knows that it’s been a goal of hers for as long as they’ve all worked together, and even before. She’s been working her way up for what has been almost five years and Jan has witnessed first hand the amount of effort and patience that Lagoona has put into it. Her work ethic rivals most, if not all, and Jan reminds herself to stop off at the liquor store on the way home so that they’re able to drink through their celebrations. She’s deliberating between red or white wine when she reaches for her coffee, and Lagoona is already busy talking about features that she’d love to curate, as well as ones that she wouldn’t. 

Jan hums along as she lifts her cup to her lips, but then pulls away after the first sip. 

_ Chai _ . 

“Oh-”. Lagoona interjects. 

The conversation at hand is forgotten. 

“-They didn’t have your usual mocha so I got you like, a chai latte? I remember you said you liked those before”. 

And Jan does. 

But so does Jackie. 

The taste brings thoughts of her back, and it tantalises and torments each part of Jan’s tongue. She remembers coffee dates and relaxed brunches, late night conversations and evenings spent at Christmas markets across the city. Her eyes flash with brown eyes and silky hair, beauty mark dotted skin and hands that could have - and once did, almost - hold Jan’s world. She’d been a fleeting presence but had left a lasting impact, and Jan knows that it’s not one that she’s going to get over anytime soon. 

“Oh jesus no…”. Rosé realises. 

She knows what Jan is going to say before the words have even formed in her mouth. 

“It’s Jackie’s favourite”. Jan murmurs.

She’s not embarrassed to say it, because feelings are feelings, but Rosé’s dramatic groan does make her blush. It’s loud, brash, and draws the attention of the editors sitting in the cubicles nearby. Jan simpers apologetically at them, and unlike Rosé, Lagoona smiles empathetically. She places a tenderly caring hand on Jan’s shoulder, and gives Rosé a look that says  _ don’t fucking try it, honey _ . Jan appreciates the softness of it but she also understands Rosé’s frustration. She knows that it’s both warranted and needed; Rosé’s sternness is often what gives her a kick up the ass. 

“Jan-”. Rosé huffs. 

“-It’s been nearly a whole year. If you want her, just text the damn bitch”. She summarises. 

And Jan doesn’t tell her that she’s been thinking about it. 

Because it’s easier just to suck it up, swallow the chai as if it isn’t burning a hole right through her stomach. 

*****

_ Jan meets Jackie in person for the first time on her Thursday lunch break.  _

_ They’ve been exchanging texts for a little over a week, set up by their mutual friend Izzy. She’d approached Jan at the end of a long Tuesday, her face guiltily gleefully as she’d told her about the cute yet fiery journalist who wrote nail biting political exposé’s for the paper YOU up on the seventh floor. Izzy had uttered the name Jackie, and Jan had nodded with recognition because sure, she’s definitely read some of her stuff before. Jackie has gained a reputation amongst the contemporary press for her take-no-shit attitude and her ability to take people down with grace, and Jan would be lying if she said she didn’t admire that.  _

_ It’s why when Izzy tells her that she’s given Jackie Jan’s number, in the hopes that they’d hit it off, Jan doesn’t complain.  _

_ In fact, she responds less than a minute later when Jackie texts her that evening. Jackie introduces herself as if Jan has never seen her name and headshot at the bottom of several double spreads, and then spends the night turning each page that Jan’s willing to show her. Throughout the week, Jan feels herself being pulled closer, and Izzy isn’t humble when she brags about it. Jan doesn’t blame her, because she knows that it’s telling when she agrees to a coffee date midway through their first facetime call. Jackie’s smile is big on the screen of her phone, and in the low light of her bedroom Jan imagines what she’s going to look like in the broad light of day; will her hair be as dark, will her eyes be as warm, will Jan still want her as much.  _

_ At first sight, she thinks that she does.  _

_ Jackie chooses a seat near the front window, because of course she arrives first. She offers Jan a small yet certain wave when their eyes first lock and then greets her with a welcoming embrace. She smells like french roast and fireside treats, the croissants that she’s already got waiting on the table for them and the distinct scent of something new, something hopeful. They mumble breathy hellos and nice to meet you’s, and then settle into a conversation that turns Jan’s dry work morning into a personal, fulfilling afternoon.  _

_ One of the first things that Jan commits to memory is Jackie’s outfit. Not because it’s anything particularly mesmerising, but because of the way Jackie embodies it. The fabric of her linen button up shirt is soft against Jan’s palms whenever she reaches out a tactile hand, and her straight leg tan cord pants fall easily to the brogues that she wears on her feet. She keeps her hair shoulder length, dark and curly, and has a pair of tortoise shell glasses balanced on the bridge of her nose. She looks professionally chic - helped only by the black lanyard she has hanging around her neck - and Jan thinks that the way she blends into the landscape of the coffee shop is effortless.  _

_ She’s calm, like the chatter of the two friends sat in the corner of the room, and enigmatic like the percolators that are busy rumbling away. She talks Jan through her morning with the so called editor from hell, and Jan finds herself laughing heartily around pastry crumbs and the acoustic playlist that twinkles in the background. Jackie talks with her hands as much as Jan does herself, and Jan briefly wonders how they haven’t knocked their coffee’s flying yet. She pictures the tall glass mugs laying in shatters on the floor, and discreetly nudges Jackie’s chai latte away from the edge of the table.  _

_ Only Jackie notices.  _

_ “I saw that”. Jackie narrows her eyes.  _

_ Jan bites her teeth into her bottom lip, cocks her head innocently to the side.  _

_ “I don’t know what you’re talking about-”. She beams.  _

_ “-I didn’t do anything”.  _

_ Jan’s smirk doesn’t quit, but neither does Jackie’s. They’re grinning at each other from across the table, with Jan’s fading lipstick and Jackie’s chapstick being wiped away by the rim of her mug. Her tongue tastes like her hazelnut mocha with hints of caramel drizzle, but she lets her gaze wander between her own cup and Jackie’s. Jan thinks about what it would be like to kiss the chai off of Jackie’s lips, to mix sweet with earthy, form a spiced caramel that would remind her of the depths of fall even as winter approaches. Jackie chuckles low in her throat at Jan’s obviousness, and then leans across the table; there’s a glint in her eyes, she’s full of conspiracy.  _

_ “So, dating advice columnist, hm?”. Jackie checks. _

_ “That’s me, gorg”. Jan smiles proudly.  _

_ And then Jackie is back to smirking once more.  _

_ “Mind if I ask for some of your professional tips?”. She questions.  _

_ They’re playing the perfect game, the perfect build up. _

_ “Go ahead”. Jan encourages, her chin resting in the palms of her hands.  _

_ At her words, Jackie hums. She nods her head, and then licks across her top lip in preparation. Jan waits with bated breath for Jackie to simply spit it out, and though it takes a while, she finally does. She talks as her curls gather around her cheeks, and one of her hands reaches out to toy with a thin, silver bracelet on Jan’s wrist. Her fingertips are minute pinpoints of electricity all along Jan’s skin, and Jan doesn’t think it’s merely the caffeine in her overly sweetened drink that is making her blood thrum, her heart seize.  _

_ “So there’s this girl who I went on a really cute coffee date with, and I don’t know how to ask her on a second-”. Jackie explains.  _

_ “-‘Cause I think I really like her”.  _

_ It’s stupid, it’s light, and Jan softly jokes that she’s an expert for a reason.  _

_ “Just ask her-”. Jan shrugs.  _

_ And then she smiles.  _

_ “-I think she’ll say yes”.  _

_ ***** _

Jan has mixed feelings about company Christmas parties. 

On one hand, she loves the dramatics of them, but also detests their contrived nature. It gives Jan an excuse to wear her best cocktail dress - a cream silk number that clings to her hips - and she accessorises with layered silver necklaces and pom pom drop earrings because she has a  _ brand _ to maintain. She never wants to look like she could pass for one of the straight girls down on the third floor of the office building, and from the perplexed looks on men’s faces as they pass her, Jan thinks that the fuzzy pink balls dangling from her lobes are a good deterrent. 

She commends herself for her achievement - the less men that she has to interact with, the better - and then turns back to the girls surrounding her. 

Because it also means that Jan gets to spend time with some of her favourite people. She’d arrived with Rosé and Lagoona after getting ready together at her apartment, and then they’d met Izzy in the lobby of the function hall. There had been tables upon tables of flutes of champagne on arrival, and they’d forgone the usual pleasantries in lieu of claiming at least three glasses each. Jan had opted to hold one in each hand and tuck another in the crook of her elbow with her clutch bag, whereas Rosé had managed to hold two in each hand. She’d offered Jan a wiggle of her eyebrows, had said something about having  _ skilful fingers _ , and Jan had had to stop herself from nudging an elbow into her side. 

Together, they all clamber up the short staircase to the room with the free bar. 

And it’s then that Jan snorts out a laugh. 

The differences between each publication under the company umbrella never fail to startle her, or make her chuckle. The girls from  _ DOLLS _ magazine are all dressed similarly to Jan, with Lagoona choosing to wear her signature aqua blue and Rosé, true to her name, flaunting a rose gold mini dress. Izzy has also opted for an eye catching green pant suit and camisole combination, and Jan rolls her eyes at the sight of them next to the mundane editors, or the reviewers who are dressed in greys, browns, classic yet boring blacks. 

“Damn-”. Izzy looks around. 

“-Who fuckin’ died in here?”. She mumbles under her breath. 

Jan almost answers with  _ Sports Weekly _ , the publication that had been scrapped less than a month prior, but she keeps that one to herself. She bites her tongue instead, and shrugs her shoulders as she settles into her designated seat at one of the round tables. Izzy sits to her left and Lagoona sits to her right, but Rosé continues floating around the room, disrupting the conversations of those who don’t want to be talking to each other in the first place. She’s loud from the get go, and Jan knows from experience that the champagne is only going to amplify that. 

She’s proven right as the night goes on. 

Lagoona stays at her side, content to enjoy her tipsy bliss from her chair, but Izzy joins Rosé. They dance in the centre of the room as they neck back glass after glass of champagne, blonde and pink hair waving around them. Jan watches as Rosé’s hair gets stuck in her lip gloss, and then giggles when Izzy pulls it away for her. They’re descending into messiness as quickly as the hours are going by, and Jan finds more entertainment in watching them than she does engaging in conversation with anybody that isn’t Lagoona. 

She tells Lagoona as much through a mouthful of a mushroom canape, all while side eyeing two burly men. 

“Why don’t they go home?-”. Jan muses. 

She’s tipsier than she cares to admit. 

“The girls are  _ not _ girlin’ with them around”. She snorts. 

Lagoona cradles her glass close to her chest, slumps against the back of her chair. 

“Men”. she states simply, an eye roll accompanying her words. 

They laugh together, at each other and their words and at Izzy and Rosé who are now shooting what Jan assumes is tequila. Izzy’s waves are beginning to fall from her hair, but Rosé’s high pony is still slick, landing at the top of her spine. They’re screeching in each other's faces, clutching at each other's arms as they talk, and Jan feels their infectious energy reverberating around the room. At some point,  _ style _ by Taylor Swift plays, and Izzy makes a quick sprint towards Jan and Lagoona. She coaxes them to their feet by tugging on their hands, claiming that  _ It’s Taylor! You’ve ‘gotta dance! _

Jan doesn’t argue, and then dances and dances and dances. 

Until the night is almost over. 

And then she sees her. 

She’s stood with a girl that Jan recognises -  _ Chelsea, hair expert at DOLLS’ sister magazine _ \- and is holding a glass of red wine delicately between her fingertips. Her hands are decorated in the same gold rings that Jan remembers, and her nails are painted a deep purple that matches that of her dress. The fabric hits her calves, and her collarbones are accentuated by a bardot neckline that makes Jan blink twice. From across the room, they make eye contact, and Jan doesn’t know what she had expected but it wasn’t to see  _ her _ here. 

Jackie. 

“Jan!-”. Rosé squeals. 

_ Oh, no no no. _

“-Look who it is!”. 

Jan has never wanted the ground to swallow her up more. 

She glares at Rosé, while Lagoona’s hand becomes a comforting presence on the small of her back. There are eyes burning a hole through her skull - Jackie’s, no doubt - but she can’t bring herself to check. She mumbles a low  _ fuck _ under her breath, and tries to calm her heart rate that seems to be beating quicker than the speed of Rosé’s words. They’re loud in Jan’s ear, but they move further away as Jan is grounded by Izzy’s drunken slurs as well as Lagoona’s hand that’s still rubbing soothing circles on her back. It brings a sense of calm to the chaos, but it’s quickly ripped in two as Jan looks up to the sight of Rosé bounding across the room. 

Towards Jackie. 

Rosé is too quick, even in her platform heels. She’s stood next to Jackie and Chelsea on wobbly ankles before Jan is able to stop her, and Lagoona’s pleading falls on deaf ears. Izzy is none the wiser - she babbles along aimlessly while sipping at the glass she’s taken from Lagoona’s hand - though when she catches Jan’s eye, she frowns. She points at Jan, and then to Jackie who is smiling timidly back at them. Jan watches the pieces slot together in her mind and nods her head dismally when Izzy’s eyes widen. She lets out a surprised  _ oh _ , and then goes back to sipping her glass, but Jan doesn’t know where to look or what to do with herself. 

It’s maybe a blessing, she guesses, that Rosé makes that choice for her. 

“Jacquelineeee-”. Rosé greets. 

Jan’s able to hear her from across the room, over the music. 

“-We need to chat about our fave gorg gal Jan, don’t we?”. 

It’s at that point which Jan tunes out, for the most part. 

She can’t stand to listen to Rosé, who means well but is causing carnage. She’s too wound up on half of the contents of the free bar and has had her tongue loosened too much. Lagoona stays at her side with Izzy, though the latter isn’t much help in consoling Jan when she’s too busy searching for her next glass of champagne. Jan can’t blame her for it, because their annual staff Christmas party is the last place that Jan would have thought she’d have to confront Jackie. It hadn’t occurred to her to prepare for it despite knowing that they’ve been working in the same building all year, tip toeing and yearning and wondering  _ what if _ . 

On reflection, Jan thinks hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Because she  _ definitely _ should have been prepared. 

When she begins to tune back in, Rosé is standing with them once more. She looks smug, overly pleased with herself, and Jan doesn’t have the heart to even begin to chastise her. Lagoona is giving Rosé enough of a hard time simply by glaring at her, so Jan decides to simply smile, and pulls her into a gentle hug. She tells Rosé that she’s grateful for her, with the promise that when they’re both sober, she’s going to kick her ass. It makes Rosé laugh, and she throws her head back in a cackle as Jan’s gaze travels back to Jackie. 

Jackie, who’s already looking at her. 

Jackie, who’s signaling towards the lobby. 

Jackie, who Jan follows wordlessly. 

In the lobby, they’re surrounded by all things Christmas. There’s a grand spruce in the middle of the room, lit up in reds and pinks and warm whites that bounce off of the cream walls. There are tinsel garlands and ceramic baubles, but what Jan notices above anything else is how Jackie strays away from it. She glues herself to a far wall when she realises there are almost exclusively couples congregated around the tree, and smiles sheepishly when Jan approaches. The tension between them is as thick as the snow that’s beginning to fall on the streets outside and Jan wishes she had a plow to break through it. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here”. Jan opens their conversation. 

She regrets the words as soon as they leave her mouth. 

“We work for the same company, Jan”. Jackie answers. 

She’s leaning her shoulder against the wall, arms crossed over her chest. Her posture is protective and Jan doesn’t blame her for it, not after almost a year of radio silence on Jan’s end for no good reason. Seeing Jackie again - this up close, this personal - is making all of the memories that she’d sought hard to repress reappear. She recalls nights spent surrounded by all things Christmas, icy sidewalks and mistletoe kisses. Jackie had been a sense of summer in the middle of December and Jan has hated herself for letting her go ever since the beginning of spring. 

“Right-”. Jan clears her throat. 

And then she smiles, tense. 

“-You look good”. She tries. 

It pulls a small smile from Jackie. 

Because Jan means it, even if her pained expression may say otherwise. Jackie looks to the floor and then back to Jan, and drops her arms to her sides when Jan continues to smile softly at her. Jan counts it as a win in her books, and feels her cheeks heating up as Jackie’s eyes traipse the length of her body. It might be the champagne or it could just be Jackie’s natural ability to intoxicate her, Jan thinks, because she becomes unable to look at her without her head spinning. Jan then props her own hip against the wall, and hopes that it’ll give her the balance that she needs. 

“So do you”. Jackie nods earnestly. 

And Jan would respond, but she doesn’t get the chance. 

Lagoona emerges from around the corner, a wasted Izzy hanging off of one arm and an almost sleeping Rosé draped on the other. She gives Jan a look that says _ I’m sorry, I tried _ , and Jan huffs out a sigh through her nose. Her nostrils flare and fists clench, but Jackie’s defeated shrug that she accompanies with a teasing smile puts her at ease. Jan pushes herself off of the wall, holds up a single finger to signal that she won’t be a minute to Lagoona. Lagoona relaxes, mouths a  _ thank you _ , and Jan watches her struggle to guide both Izzy and Rosé towards the revolving doors. 

“Look, I, do you still have my number?”. Jan asks. 

Jackie nods her head slowly, a confused frown etched on her face. 

“I have it”. Jackie confirms. 

And then Jan does what she should have done months ago. 

“I’d understand if you hated my guts-”. Jan tells her. 

They both laugh lightly, and it feels like Jan is leaving herself in Jackie’s hands.

“-But if you ‘wanna talk it out, text me? I’ll tell you anything you need to know, just please think about it? I know I owe you one hell of an explanation”.

*****

_ The next time Jan sees Jackie, it’s for a date at the Winter Village.  _

_ Jan spends the day leading up to it buzzing with excitement, soaring around her floor of the office. Rosé and Lagoona both comment on the extra spring in her step, but Jan doesn’t want to jinx it. She passes it off as holiday spirit, and even though Jan knows they don’t buy it, it does quiet them for the remainder of the day. They leave earlier than Jan does, but it means that Jan is able to swap her work clothes for a warmer, more comfortable outfit in the staff bathrooms without further questioning.  _

_ She opts for a pair of corduroy, high waisted jeans. They’re blush pink in tone and she pairs them with an oversized chunky knitted sweater that matches her white ankle boots, as well as the tote bag she carries on her shoulder. The bag is printed with green leaves and their names - it had been a secret santa gift from someone way back in college - and she chose it purposefully because she thinks that Jackie will appreciate it. Jackie has spoken extensively about her collection of house plants being her pride and joy, and Jan finds her care towards them ridiculously endearing.  _

_ They meet at the edge of Bryant Park, just off of fifth avenue. Jackie is already there when Jan arrives, just like she was the first time, and offers Jan a gleeful wave before pulling her into a hug. She smells the same as she did in the coffee shop, somehow, like french roast and fireside treats. It’s quickly becoming something that for Jan, is synonymous with comfort, and she pulls away with a grin when Jackie places a kiss to her cheek. She blames it on the cold breeze, the light snowflakes circulating in the air, but Jackie’s smirk sees right through her.  _

_ “You’re cute”. Jackie tells her, hair bouncing around her face as they start to walk.  _

_ Jan takes in her outfit when she thinks Jackie isn’t looking. She’s paired her mid-wash mom jeans with a white shirt and a black leather Jacket, but has chosen casual lace up sneakers to complement them. Despite Jan’s slight heel and Jackie’s lack thereof, Jackie still has a couple of inches on her. It means that Jan has to look up to meet her eyes, but also allows for Jackie to effortlessly drape her arm around Jan’s shoulders. Jan nestles closer to her chest with each cold gust of wind that hits them, and links their hands at Jackie’s side while pointing out things about their surroundings.  _

_ Because it’s Jackie’s first New York Christmas.  _

_ And Jan wants to make it a memorable one for her.  _

_ “What about the tree?”. Jackie asks.  _

_ Her naivety makes Jan giggle.  _

_ “Rockefeller?”.  _

_ “That one!”.  _

_ They weave in and out of the market stalls, peering into shop fronts and food stands. Jackie’s hand in hers warms Jan from the inside out, and somewhere between flirtatious conversations and soul searches, they find themselves drinking cups of mulled cider. Jan’s nude lipstick stains the corner of the styrofoam, but the cinnamon and clove and ginger on her tongue throw her into the depths of Christmas. There are twinkling lights no matter where she turns, and Jackie’s eyes are just as bright. She looks at Jan with the same marvel that she looks at the displays and Jan would tease her for it if it didn’t make her feel weak at the knees.  _

_ “Oh my god, Jackie!-”. Jan gasps.  _

_ They’re standing next to a jewellery stall, tables littered with handmade crafts.  _

_ “-Look how fuckin’ dumb these are! Aren’t they just the best!”. She squeals.  _

_ She points towards a pair of Christmas bauble earrings, shiny purple spheres attached to small silver hoops.  _

_ Jackie looks at them, and then back to Jan, before picking them up and flagging down the seller.  _

_ “Excuse me!-”. She calls.  _

_ “-How much for these?”.  _

_ And though Jan tries to protest, Jackie is adamant. She tells Jan that it’s nothing much, and that Jan deserves them, and then hands them over with a delicate smile once she’s bought them. The seller had wrapped them in red tissue paper, and Jan tears through it as if it’s the most precious gift she’s ever received. She slips them into her lobes with a blush still dusting her cheeks - she uses the camera of her phone as a mirror - and then proudly displays them to Jackie. Jan tilts her head to the side, tucks her hair behind her ear, and they both come to a halt in a quiet corner of the village. _

_ There’s snow on the ground, beginnings of love in Jan’s heart.  _

_ Jackie reaches out a hand, taps one of the earrings with a chuckle.  _

_ “Pretty”. She tells Jan.  _

_ And then they’re kissing, pulling one another closer closer closer.  _

_ Jan couldn’t tell you who initiated it, only that she doesn’t want it to stop. Both of Jackie’s hands are cupping her cheeks, and their bodies are pressed against each other’s from toe to chest. Jackie’s nose is cold from the chill of the evening when it bumps against Jan’s, but her lips are comfortable pillows that Jan wants to sink into. She mewls into Jackie’s mouth when one of Jackie’s hands travels to the back of her neck, and she lets Jackie guide her. Because Jackie might be new to New York but she’s already well practiced in what it takes to make Jan unravel.  _

_ “Do you ‘wanna come back to mine?-”. Jackie proposes tentatively.  _

_ “-I have wine and chocolates and my christmas decorations look reaaaal nice”. She emphasises.  _

_ And while Jan likes the sound of all of those things, that’s not why she says yes.  _

_ “What about your bed?”.  _

*****

It’s four in the morning when Jan gets a text from Jackie. 

Jan has been sleeping restlessly - she blames it on Mercury being in retrograde - and is half asleep when her phone vibrates on the nightstand. At first she ignores it because she’s been drifting in and out of an uncomfortable slumber for hours, but then it buzzes again. Jan knows that it’s too late for Lagoona and Izzy to still be awake, and wonders momentarily if it’s Rosé, texting animatedly about her new one night stand. The thought makes Jan snort, but when she picks up her phone, it’s Jackie’s name that flashes like a star on her screen. 

**Jackie**

_ I thought about what you said, and I’d really like to talk things through with you. Can we do coffee? Xx _

_ I’ve missed you  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a Sunday morning, when they’re wrapped up in blankets and each other, Jan learns that Jackie has yet to see the Rockefeller tree. 
> 
> So they plan to go that night. 
> 
> They spend the day lazing around Jackie’s apartment, basking in an afterglow that feels evergreen. Jackie makes them a breakfast of eggs on toast, and they eat it with the window to Jackie’s fire escape on the latch. The cold weather doesn’t bother them, not in the ways that it should. They’re content to hide under layers of duvets and affection, and watch as the light snowfall continues to make its way to the ground outside. Through buttery kisses and languid makeouts on Jackie’s couch, Jan realises that she’s never felt quite as content. It’s a thought that scares her, one that makes her shiver more than the icy sidewalks below, but Jackie doesn’t need to know that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to add here, but I will say I'm officially so in love with these girlies you have no ideaaaaa
> 
> I hope you like this one dolls!! it's been FUN to write!

When Jan gets the first texts from Jackie, she reads them over and over and over. 

Until the words on the screen all blur into one. 

**Jackie**

_ I thought about what you said, and I’d really like to talk things through with you. Can we do coffee? Xx  _

_ I’ve missed you _

The first one is - it’s fine. It’s nice, even. Jan had prepared herself for the worst and expected even less, so to get Jackie proposing a talk over coffee on her own accord feels like an achievement, or a hope. It makes Jan smile into the darkness of the night, and she pulls her duvet closer to her chest as she slumps into the pillows of her bed. Her apartment is cold this deep into winter, and though she’s used to it - New Jersey born and bred - it doesn’t mean that she has to enjoy it; at least not when she’s trying to be cosy and comfortable. 

It’s the second text that catches Jan off guard. She’s all but convinced herself over the past year that Jackie hates her, loathes the sheer thought of her existence. Jan had left her when they’d been at their best and still Jackie had gone quietly. She’d sent Jan one last text towards the end of last January -  _ I don’t know what happened, but I hope you’re ok. Always here if you need me _ \- and Jan had spent two weeks lamenting over her idiocy while Lagoona tried to help her along the way and Rosé simply called her out on her shit. Izzy had been the one to finally pull Jan out of it, telling her that though she didn’t understand Jan’s reasonings, she did respect them. 

And Jan has been ok since then, for the most part. 

Until the holidays had swung by, and the memories of Jackie came flooding back with them. 

She feels like a broken record whenever she slips up, telling a room full of ears that don’t care about what Jackie’s favourite colours are. Jan remembers them vividly, red being the colour of Jackie’s nails most of the time, and a deep navy blue being the chosen shade that she’d painted her bedroom just before Christmas. They’d spent a handful of days making the finishing touches together and then spent that weekend tangled up in bed sheets as they’d listened to festive music on repeat. Jan had returned home to her own apartment the following Monday and had cried out her feelings to her roommate Lemon because it all felt too  _ good _ . 

It’s taken Jan longer than she cares to admit - nearly a whole year, god damn it - to realise her mistakes and come to her senses. She knows now that although her feelings were warranted, it was stupid to give up the posibilty of a future with Jackie because she was too caught up in dwelling on the past. She’d compared Jackie to a still lingering ex-girlfriend when she hadn’t held a candle to Jackie or anything that she was, anything that she did. Nicky’s blonde was no match for Jackie’s rich brunette, and her French accent had never sounded as nice as Jackie’s Californian-Canadian twang when she’d whispered in her ear, lips dragging down the column of her neck. 

Jan types out a string of texts in response. 

And then deletes them. 

She does this at least three times, before she groans aloud in frustration. She flips over onto her stomach, and buries her face into the two pillows that she’s had propped beneath her head with an annoyed sigh. Every combination of words that she tries don’t feel right, like they’re inadequate. Jan wants Jackie to know that she’s sorry, so fucking sorry, and doesn’t think a half assed  _ I’d love to do coffee _ would be suffice. She stares at her screen thinking she’s forgotten how to form a single sentence before she hovers her thumb over the microphone button. 

Jan doesn’t think it’s her brightest idea, to send a chaotic voice note at almost five in the morning, but she knows it’ll get the message across. 

_ It has to.  _

“Jackie! Hi! It’s Jan, but uh, you knew that, I think… I hope so…”. She starts. 

Her voice is still broken from sleep, and her words crack as she props herself up on her elbows. She’s not comfortable, is itching to twist her arms and legs until she finds the perfect place to rest her hips, her back that her mattress is slowly killing. Gently, she turns to lay on her back once more, all while puffing out short breaths of air as she spews words to Jackie. Her speech is mixed with nervous laughter, but Jan has decided that if she’s going to say what she has to say then she isn't going to be elegant about it. It’s a one-take-voice-note or nothing at all, and Jan likes to think she’s a go hard or go home type of girl; even if she’s far from it. 

“So doll, I know I’ve got some shit to say, like so much shit, and like I also know you don’t have to listen. I wouldn’t if I were you, ‘cause I’m what? An idiot, gooorg!”. 

Jan finds herself laughing, even if it hurts more than it humours her. 

She drops her voice then, so that Jackie knows that she’s serious. It’s a tone that she reserves for love, and she thinks that for Jackie, it’s needed. She pulls her blanket closer to her chest, rubs a hand across her face. Her phone is still recording as she chuckles intermittently, though in her efforts to get comfortable she shifts a little too far up the bed. It results in the top of Jan’s head colliding with her wooden headboard, and she lets out a petulant  _ ow, shit, fuck _ on impact. She rubs at the point where her head begins to throb, then gives in. 

“Anyway, I… I haven’t been the most accountable, Jacks. When I stopped answering your texts, your calls, I didn’t know how to give you the explanation you deserve, y’know? I thought if I just dropped off the face of the earth that you’d forget about me and I’d forget about you but jesus, y’all couldn’t have told me it doesn’t work like that? I’ve tried so so hard to forget you and what we had, but I just  _ can’t _ ”. 

Jan’s words catch in her throat, and she has to fight back the tears that threaten to spill over. 

“We were good, weren’t we?... I… I’d love to do coffee, like name a time and a place and I’ll be there. I’ll even turn up early for once! Or, maybe like, ok not early but maybe on time! Just thank you, Jackie, I’ve uh… really missed you too”. 

Once she presses send, Jan forces herself back to sleep. 

When she wakes up again, she’s smiling. 

And then that afternoon, she’s meeting Jackie for coffee. 

Jan, like she had promised, makes an effort to turn up early, and it results in her arriving at least five minutes before Jackie does. She settles at a table close to the windows - there’s snow gathering on the ledges of them - and tries to centre herself. Her breathing has been erratic since Jackie had first messaged and her heart shows no sign of slowing down. The bustle of the coffee shop carries her along with it and Jan is grateful that it gives her something other than the twitching of her hands to focus on. 

When she’s been sat for no more than a minute, Jan orders two coffees. For herself she opts for a butterscotch cappuccino, and then for Jackie she gets a chai latte. A waitress in a pale blue apron brings them over to her, and Jan thanks her with a timid smile. The nerves are pouring out of her in everything that she does, but she decides then and there that she’s just going to have to deal with it. It’s too late to back out, and she can’t put Jackie through it  _ again _ . There are answers that Jackie needs, ones that only Jan is able to give, so she braces her palms flat on the table and tells herself  _ you’ve got this _ . 

As soon as Jackie arrives, Jan’s thinking flies back out the door. 

The bell rings as it closes, and for the first time since Jan has known Jackie, she doesn’t greet her with her usual warm embrace. She chooses instead to smile wearily, sitting down opposite Jan. She purses her lips at the sight of the chai latte, and Jan ducks her head as her cheeks begin to flush pink. Jackie doesn’t say thank you, but she does wrap her hands around the warm glass. Jan doesn’t know if it’s a good sign, only that it’s something, and at this point she will take something over nothing at all. 

“I can’t stay long-”. Are Jackie’s first words. 

They cut through the air, make Jan’s hands stop trembling.

“-I’ve gotta get back to work”. She admits. 

_ Work on a Sunday? _ Jan wants to ask, but she doesn’t feel like risking it. She nods her head in understanding, drops her gaze to the wooden table top. It’s made out of oak, or another dark wood that Jan isn’t privy to, and she distracts herself by staring into the whirlpools of each knot. When she looks up, Jackie is still looking at her pointedly, and Jan grapples for words that aren’t coming to her like she assumed they would. Jackie clears her throat then, leans back in her seat only to cross her legs beneath the table. She cradles her cup close to her chest, the steam caressing her face. 

“Say what you’ve gotta say”. Jackie prompts her. 

She’s cold like Jan has never known her to be, and it makes Jan heave in a breath. 

“Yeah, right, ok…”. Jan fumbles.

She sits up straighter in her seat, squares her shoulders. It feels like something that she needs to do in preparation, to make herself as bulletproof as possible before Jackie opens fire. Jan has as much of a guard up that she’s able to muster but Jackie’s scrutiny is already tearing it down. Jan lets out a slew of  _ um’s _ and  _ uh’s _ and  _ ah’s _ while Jackie keeps sipping at her latte and rolls her eyes when another minute has passed; Jan is still yet to say anything and Jackie’s impatience is becoming evident. 

“Anytime today, Jan”. There’s a hint of a smile on Jackie’s face. 

It makes Jan’s shoulders drop ever so slightly. 

“I fucked up”. Jan admits. 

Jackie tilts her head to the side, takes a sip from her cup. 

“Yes. And?”.

“I was an idiot”. Jan continues. 

“I thought you were gonna tell me stuff I didn’t already know”. Jackie chuckles. 

The corners of her mouth are upturned in a smirk, and for the first time since Jackie had swept through the door, Jan finds herself smiling too. She sighs, slumps in her chair, and gulps down a couple of sips of her cappuccino to warm the frost that Jackie has poured into her gut. Jackie seems to follow Jan’s lead, and lifts her own cup back up to her lips. Jan is still able to see the steam wafting upwards and it breezes through her eyelashes, evaporates into the air. 

Jan sets her cup down then, and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Jesus Jackie, I was a whole mess, ok?-”. Jan bursts. 

This time Jackie stays quiet. 

“-I liked you so much, it almost terrified me. It did terrify me. Even Rosé noticed how into you I was, and the fact that you came so soon after Nicky, it like, it didn’t feel like it should be happening. I thought you’d just be a fun holiday fling at fuckin’ most, but then you were more than that and Jackie, I couldn’t give you what you deserved”. 

Silence falls between them, and this time it’s Jackie’s breathing that becomes ragged. She breathes out a  _ wow _ , one that makes Jan’s heart swell, then sits forward in her seat. There are questions still hanging in the air, ones that Jan knows Jackie isn’t going to ask simply by the look on her face.  _ Why now, after all this time? Would you have ever called me if we hadn’t ran into each other? Do you really miss me or do you miss the idea of me? Did New Year’s mean nothing at all to you? _

“So what’s changed?”. Jackie asks instead. 

Because she’s still not going to make it easy. 

But Jan doesn’t have to think about it any further.

A year has been long enough. 

“Honestly gorg? Everything-”. Jan muses. 

“-It’s like, life said I needed someone to kick my ass and you did that so easily”. She laughs. 

It seems to ease the static between them, if only momentarily. The tension is still there, undeniably so, but so is a new hope that Jan chooses to cling onto. Her nails dig into the surface of it in the same way that she’s clutching her mug again, but then Jackie is leaning forward on her elbows, regarding Jan carefully. She licks across her lips, and Jan tries not to follow the path of her tongue. Jackie is looking at her knowingly and it makes Jan shrink in her seat, has apology after apology brewing in her throat. 

“Do you know how out of the blue this is?-”. Jackie laughs, a little bitter. 

“-I waited for  _ weeks _ for you to text me back until I finally realised it just wasn’t happening”. She sighs. 

There are only two words that Jan’s able to think of.

“I’m sorry”. Jan tries timidly. 

When they next look at each other, Jackie softens. She digs her teeth into her bottom lip, and then releases it with a sigh. Jan thinks she looks more comfortable now than she did when she first arrived but there’s still a hesitancy present in her eyes, the way that she holds herself. Jackie has drained her coffee for all that it’s worth, but she still holds the mug limply in one of her hands. Her gold rings reflect against the glass of it but Jan is more focused on the words that begin falling from Jackie’s mouth. 

“Look-”. Jackie relents. 

“-I’m not saying we could be anything like we were, but I am saying I… I’ve really missed you, and that’s gotta count for something, right?”. She questions. 

There’s a pleading hint in her voice that Jan doesn’t like - Jackie shouldn’t be the one grovelling - but she nods along anyway. Jan would settle for whatever Jackie is willing to give her, because she thinks that a drop of Jackie is better than a river ran dry. She wants eventual lakes and oceans but Jan knows that the only current route is through light showers, delicate rainfall. When Jan doesn’t respond, too caught up in her monsoon of thoughts, Jackie clears her throat. She’s closer to Jan than Jan had prepared herself for, her eyes blown and cheeks pink. 

“You have uh…”. Jackie nods. 

She reaches her hand out, wipes cappuccino foam from the corner of Jan’s mouth. 

The touch is gentle, caring. It feels out of character for the Jackie that had first walked into the coffee shop, but is indicative of the Jackie that Jan remembers. It makes every last bit of Jan defrost, and she finds herself simply looking at Jackie, taking her in until Jackie catches sight of her watch. Her eyes widen when she notices the time, and then she leans back until Jan is no longer able to smell the french roast on her clothes, or the unmistakable vanila of her shampoo. 

“I really do have to go-”. Jackie murmurs. 

There’s a sadness in her voice that doesn’t go unmissed. 

“-But text, or call, yeah? We can do this again?”. She smiles. 

And Jan knows that she just means coffee, but the context runs so much deeper. 

So she smiles from behind her cup as Jackie pulls her coat on, and then places it back on the table. 

“I’d really like that”

*****

_ On a Sunday morning, when they’re wrapped up in blankets and each other, Jan learns that Jackie has yet to see the Rockefeller tree.  _

_ So they plan to go that night.  _

_ They spend the day lazing around Jackie’s apartment, basking in an afterglow that feels evergreen. Jackie makes them a breakfast of eggs on toast, and they eat it with the window to Jackie’s fire escape on the latch. The cold weather doesn’t bother them, not in the ways that it should. They’re content to hide under layers of duvets and affection, and watch as the light snowfall continues to make its way to the ground outside. Through buttery kisses and languid makeouts on Jackie’s couch, Jan realises that she’s never felt quite as content. It’s a thought that scares her, one that makes her shiver more than the icy sidewalks below, but Jackie doesn’t need to know that.  _

_ Not yet.  _

_ Sometime during the afternoon, they shower together, and Jan spends the time having her thoughts silenced by the vices of Jackie’s thighs. They muffle the screaming that’s circulating her mind, and Jan doesn’t think that it hurts when Jackie returns the favour. When breaths have been caught and legs have been steadied, they comb shampoo and conditioner through each other's hair. Jan uses Jackie’s signature vanilla and it’s sweet, to feel as if she’s a part of Jackie’s daily routine. Jan doesn’t let on that that fact scares her, either. It’s easier simply to smile when Jackie asks her if she’s ok, and to quiet her with a kiss when the answer is no.  _

_ Jan dresses in a pale pink sweater - one that she’s kept in Jackie’s dresser for the best part of the last month - and Jeans that she cuffs at the ankles. She pairs them with chunky sneakers and an even chunkier cardigan, and then watches from the hallway as Jackie pulls on her burgundy docs. They match the turtle neck that she’s wearing, and compliment her sleek black pants. Jan gets to run her fingers across the fabric of them when she pulls Jackie in for a kiss, her hands travelling to her waist, and though they aren’t as soft as Jackie’s skin Jan does hum happily against her lips.  _

_ “These look good on you”. She tells Jackie.  _

_ Jackie looks down into her eyes, her smile too earnest for the words that leave her lips. _

_ “Do you like the pants or my ass?”. Jackie cocks her head to the side.  _

_ It makes Jan whine high in her throat, and she dips her fingers into the back pockets of Jackie’s pants as she drops her head to Jackie’s shoulder. She breathes in the scent of Jackie’s shampoo and the new floral perfume that she’s trying out, all lilacs and lavender that Jan had recommended, and the combination makes her feel heady. When she pulls her head back, Jackie is still looking at her. She arches a delicate eyebrow and then winds a hand around the back of Jan’s neck. Jan is pulled closer until their lips are almost touching once more and then Jackie prompts her for an answer with a kiss to the corner of her mouth.  _

_ “I like both”. Jan whines, even if she likes one a little more than the other.  _

_ Jackie kisses her then, thorough and wanting, and it serves as a reminder of their evening plans.  _

_ “Mmm-”. Jackie hums once she’s pulled away.  _

_ “-As much as I’d looove to do this all night, don’t we have somewhere to be?”. She smirks.  _

_ They leave not even a handful of minutes later, with Jan reassuring that it would be less than a twenty minute walk from Jackie’s Hell’s Kitchen apartment to the Rockefeller center. She knows New York well enough to know that they could make it in just over ten if they tried, but she also wants the evening to last for days. They enjoy each other’s company, their hands intertwined as they dodge tourists on the sidewalks. Some wish the both of them a happy holiday’s that Jan cheery echoes, and others simply offer grins that Jan knows would never come from native New Yorkers.  _

_ “I love the holidays”. Jackie muses.  _

_ And Jan had guessed as much, but she wants to hear more.  _

_ “Yeah?”. Jan asks.  _

_ It’s a go-ahead for Jackie to beam, and then as the Christmas lights come into view, she sighs dreamily.  _

_ “So when I was little, my mom obviously never really did Christmas, but my dad loved it. I used to spend the holidays with him and my step mom and we always bought a fresh tree from the farm in the next town over. It was like, just to get that time together and hook baubles on branches and wrap anything and everything in pretty lights was so special to us, you know? Now whenever I see anything Christmas related it makes me feel all warm and cosy-”. Jackie chuckles.  _

_ “-Just like, happy”. She summarises.  _

_ Jan looks at her, under the glow of the tree that they’re getting closer to. It shines like a beacon, but Jan almost thinks that the brightest one is standing next to her. Jackie is radiating as bright as the star that sits at the top of it and Jan finds herself being blinded by the power that Jackie exudes. Her hair dances with specks of warm white and forest green and every time Jan leans closer to her, she gets caught in the blades of it. They tickle against her skin but Jan lets them, because Jackie is a field of grass on a summer's day and Jan is frolicking through it even as the daisies growing at her feet make her eyes water.  _

_ “That’s beautiful, Jacks”. Jan smiles.  _

_ Jackie tightens her grip on Jan’s hand, points upwards with the other.  _

_ “So is that-”. Jackie motions towards the tree.  _

_ “-Like, holy shit”. She laughs.  _

_ Jan has lived in New York for almost ten years - she’d moved here for college and had never left - and has seen the plain old Rockefeller tree more times than she’s able to count. It had fascinated her at first, had been a grand spectacle of celebration that she’d never seen before. She’d been impressed by its grandeur, the meticulous decoration, but the novelty had worn off after the first year or two. Jan had no longer jumped at the opportunity to visit it when friends new to the city had offered, and had gone out of her way to avoid passing it whenever she was in the area.  _

_ With Jackie, however, she thinks that she could rediscover the initial awe.  _

_ Because the enthralment in Jackie’s stare is enough to make her feel like the sight is brand new.  _

_ “Do you wanna grab a drink and watch the skating?”. Jan asks her.  _

_ She wraps her arms around Jackie’s waist, kisses her beneath the artificial moonlight.  _

_ “Are they gonna be bad?”. Jackie smirks.  _

_ Jan nods her head in return.  _

_ It’s a promise of comedy and laughter and blissfully tipsy joy.  _

_ “Fuckin’ awful”. Jan swears.  _

_ And Jackie is tugging on her hand before she can say anything else, an excited squeal piercing the air.  _

_ “Let’s go!”.  _

*****

Through texts and talks, dates and dreams, Jan and Jackie fall back together. 

It doesn’t happen overnight - Jan hadn’t expected it to - but together, they grow gradually. It starts again where it had begun over a year ago, in the same coffee shop with the same wide windows and the same hopeful smiles. Jan makes a point of arriving early whenever they meet, and it’s worth it to see Jackie relax a little more every time. She greets Jan with surprised grins and toasty embraces and eventually, it doesn’t feel all that new anymore. 

They kiss again for the first time in the stairwell of Jackie’s apartment, when they’re full of coffee and devotion, closeness and care. Jackie tastes like chai and Jan has lips coated in sugar, and together they form a sweetness that Jan had thought she would never have again. She cries afterwards, and Jackie holds her through it, wipes her tears with the soft pads of her thumbs. Tears trickle down Jackie’s cheeks too, but she hides them until Jan is smiling once more. It’s a lot, for the both of them, but Jan has always been taught that what’s worth it won’t be easy; and god is Jackie worth it. 

Their first  _ date _ date happens in the days before Christmas. Jackie is the one to ask Jan, and Jan eagerly agrees around a mouthful of chocolate croissant. She doesn’t tell Jackie - though she will soon - that she’d been waiting for Jackie to be ready. Jan has been planning dates and days since Jackie had offered her her first smile, but she knows that Jackie’s needed more time than that. She’s been thawing slowly despite the cold weather, and Jan has allowed her to melt into her, heat merging as their fingers grapple to hold each other’s hands as close as possible. 

Jan enlists the help of Izzy, Rosé and Lagoona to help her get ready. She needs her best girlies at her side, and none are better than them. They arrive with bottles of wine that Jan pops the corks of in her kitchen, and blast Izzy’s  _ bops for when the girls are girlin _ playlist from Jan’s mini speaker. With encouragement and words of reassurance, they get Jan singing along comfortably as she does her makeup. She opts for soft smokey wings and a nude lip, a pink shimmer highlight that Rosé favours. Lagoona styles Jan’s hair for her, twists two tiny sections of her natural curls at the front of her head into small braids. 

When Jan pulls on her outfit - a long skirt, turtleneck and ankle boots - she turns to the three of them with a grin. 

“Damn”. Rosé whistles. 

“Girllllll”. Izzy drawls. 

Lagoona nods her head from where she’s sat on the edge of Jan’s bed. 

“What they said-”. She chuckles. 

“ _ -Damn, _ girl”. 

Jan laughs with them, and then takes the almost empty bottle of wine from Lagoona’s hand. She sips directly from it, lipstick imprinting on the neck. Rosé chastises her for smearing her lipstick but then shakes her head, a fond smile taking over. She places her hands on Jan’s shoulders, and then pulls her into a hug that takes Jan by surprise. Jan lets out an oh as Izzy and Lagoona coo in the background, but Jan doesn’t think she’s ever been more grateful for the support network that continually props her up, lifts her off of the ground when she needs it most. 

“You look truly fuckin’ gorgeous-”. Rosé softens. 

And then her grin is back when the doorbell rings. 

“-Go get your woman!”. She cheers. 

So Jan walks down the stairs with the intention of doing exactly that. 

*****

_ They spend New Year’s together.  _

_ It’s unplanned, but Jan has come to realise that with Jackie, that’s just how things happen. They’d parted for a handful of days over Christmas while Jan had travelled back to New Jersey to visit her family, but had reunited when Jan had returned on New Year’s Eve. Jackie had kissed her softly, welcomed her back with open arms, and it was the first time that the thought of finding a home in Jackie hadn’t entirely terrified her. She’d introduced Jackie to Rosé, Izzy and Lagoona that very morning and by the evening, they were planning on where they could ring in the new year together.  _

_ They decide on a cocktail bar in midtown, one which Lagoona recommends. They wear their most sparkly dresses, dust their shoulders and collarbones in glitter. Jan paints her lips a shade of candy apple red, and applauds herself when she notices Jackie’s similar scarlet. She’s not discreet with her plans of being Jackie’s New Year’s kiss, but the wink that Jackie shoots her makes it obvious. Rosé and Izzy holler at them when they notice, and Jan makes a show out of locking lips with Jackie just because she can. Jackie’s hands are wrapped around her waist when their cab arrives but Jan doesn’t make her pull away.  _

_ Instead, she tucks herself into Jackie’s side in the back seat, kisses behind her ear where she knows her hair will cover the lipstick marks.  _

_ “Y’all-”. Lagoona dramatises.  _

_ “-Do you ever stop?”. She laughs.  _

_ But Jan doesn’t have to answer, because Izzy does it for her.  _

_ “Loosen up dolllll, it’s New Year’s! Have fun! Fuck a stranger in the bathroom!”.  _

_ “Or a few of ‘em!”. Rosé adds.  _

_ They’re both already more than tipsy, more than drunk, but Jan can neither blame them or fault them. They’d gone into the night with the intention of having fun - a lot of fun - and Jan thinks they’re well on their ways to doing so. Jackie chuckles next to her and then plants a hand on Jan’s knee, squeezes gently. It’s a ten minute drive to the bar that they plan on visiting, so Jan doesn’t get too comfortable. She falls into easy conversation with Lagoona who’d shotgunned the front seat, and even talks the driver into giving them cocktail recommendations; Jan doesn’t think that they’ll be good, but that’s not the point.  _

_ It’s already nearing eleven by the time they arrive at the bar. Rosé is the first to break from the group, claiming to spot someone from work, and Izzy and Lagoona aren’t far behind. They order three rounds of cocktails at once - mojitos, daiquiris, old fashioneds - and Jan watches them settle at the bar once they’ve forced two into hers and Jackie’s hands. Jackie thanks them with a grin and Jan rolls her eyes, tells them to be careful and have a good night. It’s classic girlies behaviour to get so fucked up that they cause hiliarity and mayhem, and Jan doesn’t doubt that this New Year’s will be any different.  _

_ Jan dances with Jackie until the countdown begins.  _

_ Their arms encircle each other’s waists, and Jan giggles drunkenly into the space between them. She’s necked back a further two cocktails per the encouragement of Rosé, as have Jackie and Izzy and Lagoona. The DJ is blasting early 00’s music, and Jackie pulls Jan in the direction of the balcony when Britney stops playing and is replaced by the cheering of a sixty second warning. They clutch on to each other in a sea of bodies, with Jan using Jackie to stay afloat. There are already fireworks erupting in the distance and Jan watches the colours swirl in the remnants of her glass, the depths of Jackie’s eyes.  _

_ “Do you have a New Year’s wish?”. Jackie asks.  _

_ She’s talking louder than she normally would so that Jan’s able to hear her, over the music and the chaos.  _

_ “If I told you then it wouldn’t come true”. Jan winks. _

_ Jackie cackles heartily, and Jan swallows her laughter in a searing kiss. The ten second chant hasn’t begun yet, but Jan has decided that she doesn’t need a reason to kiss Jackie like she wants to, on any occasion she sees fit. Jackie hums into the kiss, and Jan only pulls away when another firework sparkles to life. This time it’s closer to them, and Jan takes in the reds and blues are greens that sprinkle out like confetti across the city skyline.  _

_ 10  _

_ Spirals form around them.  _

_ 9  _

_ Ribbons of light form flowing constellations.  _

_ 8  _

_ The fire is hot but Jackie’s palm on the small of her back is scorching.  _

_ 7  _

_ Reds and blues and greens become yellows and purples and pinks.  _

_ 6 _

_ Jackie’s breath hits the corner of Jan’s mouth. _

_ 5 _

_ Jan eyes begin to fall closed to the sight of flourishing silvers.  _

_ 4 _

_ Jackie winds her free hand in Jan’s hair.  _

_ 3 _

_ Jan whines against Jackie’s lips as golds coil and bronzes flare. _

_ 2 _

_ Their lips collide as others shout.  _

_ 1 _

_ Jan pulls away having made her wish.  _

_ ***** _

Their first  _ date _ date is all that Jan had hoped it would be. 

And somehow, it’s also more. 

They revisit the Rockefeller tree like they had a whole year ago and this time, instead of simply watching the skating, they take part. It’s Jackie who coaxes Jan into it, and they spend the best part of an hour looping around the rink. Jan’s skirt ripples around her ankles, and Jackie twirls her around with a grace that Jan hadn’t expected. She’d half thought they’d both be stumbling along the ice, harbouring little to no elegance, but Jan is proven wrong when the movements come as easy as their conversation. Jackie takes the lead and Jan follows; they fall in line and then fall together, safely. 

With cups of mulled cider, they walk back around the Christmas displays. Jan’s legs are shaky while she tries to get used to the ground beneath her feet once more, but Jackie keeps her propped up by a steady hand on the small of her back. It remains there as they buy cinnamon doughnuts from a food stall, and migrates only when they have to maneuver around people on the sidewalks. Jackie feeds Jan what's left of her donut and then Jackie - with her fingers wrapped loosely in Jan’s hair - kisses the sugar off of her lips. It’s as sweet as the kisses that they’ve shared before but holds the promise that this time, the night isn’t going to end in Jackie’s stairwell. 

They walk slowly back to Jackie’s apartment, their hands linked and smiles beaming. 

But then the sweetness unravels. 

Jackie kisses her, rough and wanting as soon as the door closes behind them. It’s something that Jan has wanted, has needed for too long, and she whines at the first brush of Jackie’s tongue against her lips. They haven’t been this close since last Christmas, and the urgency of their movements shakes Jan to her core. Their breathing is heavy, laboured, and Jan quickly forgets about the cold outside. She’s warming up under Jackie’s touches, her lips that are peppering sparks of fire to her jaw, her neck. Jan keens after her and mewls her praises when Jackie slots a leg between both of her, hands dropping to her hips. 

“Jan-”. Jackie pants. 

“-Are you sure you want this?”. She asks. 

Jan doesn’t have to think about her answer. 

She knows that any hesitation would throw Jackie off her game, and it’s why she nods her head instantly. She mumbles a  _ please _ ,  _ yes _ after  _ yes _ after  _ yes _ , and hooks her fingers in the belt loops of Jackie’s pants to emphasise her point. Jackie breathes out in what Jan assumes is relief, and then they’re making their way down the hallway and to Jackie’s bedroom. Jan thinks that she could traipse the journey in her sleep - the magnolia walls are familiar, the floorboards are comfortable beneath her feet - but she can’t help but stumble on the clothes they shed along the way. 

By the time that they make it to Jackie’s bedroom, Jan is left in only her underwear. Her bralette matches her panties, a shade of pale blue lace that Lagoona had picked out for her. The patterns of the lace have left faint indentations on the skin of her hips, but Jackie drags her thumbs across them as if they’re intricate ceramic details. Jan feels adored beneath her touch, and awards Jackie the same meticulous attention that she’s devoting to Jan. Jackie’s underwear is simple in comparison, made of black cotton, as if she hadn’t been expecting anything. The sight of it makes Jan grin proudly and she lets Jackie push her down onto the mattress, into the bedsheets. 

“God-”. Jackie breathes. 

“-You’re so  _ hot _ ”. 

Jan laughs into their next kiss, hooks her legs at the base of Jackie’s spine. She presses their bodies together and allows their limbs to entangle, thighs slotting between thighs and fingers ghosting across shoulders. It’s intense from the get go and Jackie doesn’t hold back. Jan is glad for it, because it means that she’s able to keep falling, into how Jackie smells and how she tastes and how she  _ feels _ . 

As well as how Jan feels about her. 

Jan had decided somewhere between their second first kiss and stepping into the hallway of Jackie’s apartment that what they share is love, probably. Jan can’t quite compare it to anything she’s ever felt before and it feels stupid not to make the assumption, especially when Jackie’s got her eyes scrunched closed above her, and is grinding unwittingly against the swell of her hip as they kiss. It’s messy, filthy, and has Jan gasping for breath. Jackie isn’t being gentle with her; she’s digging her nails into Jan’s skin, pulling hair and pushing boundaries. 

Until she stops. 

She lifts her head to look at Jan, her lips kiss swollen and red. Her eyes are blown out and open, while strands of her curly hair fall into them. Jan brushes them away from her face for her and Jackie nuzzles into her palm, places a delicate peck to her wrist. There’s something in her that’s flipped and Jan is watching the explanation of it in real time, through the new softness of Jackie’s touches. Her fingers trail from Jan’s temples and down to her ears, and then tears are gathering in the corners of her eyes when she notices Jan’s earrings. They’re small silver hoops with shiny, purple baubles attached to them. 

The ones Jackie had bought her the Christmas prior. 

“You kept these?”. Jackie whispers. 

She touches them as if they’ll crumble to dust. 

Jan pushes herself up onto her elbows, so that she’s level with Jackie. 

“I couldn’t get rid of them”. She confesses. 

Jan thinks back to all of the times that she’d  _ thought _ about getting rid of them. There had been moments back in the spring when she’d contemplated donating them, or gifting them to Izzy, claiming that they were more her vibe than they were Jan’s. She’d even thought about tossing them into the trash just to get the pleasure of watching them get hauled away by the garbage man, but ultimately didn’t think that the satisfaction would be worth it. That, and the fact that they meant too much to her. They were a piece of Jackie that she kept tucked away in her drawer, one that she had every faith she’d get to uncover again. 

“I-”. Jackie starts, but cuts herself off before she’s able to get any further. 

“Jacks?”. Jan frowns. 

Jackie smiles then, soft and gentle. 

“I didn’t think you’d keep them”. 

Her voice is thick, laced with emotion. 

And Jan could explain all of the reasons why  _ of course _ she kept them, but it’s easier and more effective to say nothing at all. Instead, she flips their positions, pushing Jackie until she’s laid on her back. They move slowly, more intentionally than they initially had been, and Jan makes her kisses all the more sensual. She licks her tongue across Jackie’s bottom lip, then works her way into her mouth as soon as Jackie relaxes. Her body becomes pliant, and Jan eases her head back until it’s cradled by pillows, supple cushions that Jackie has always liked to adorn her bed with. 

“You’re ok-”. Jan promises. 

“-I’ve got you”. 

She kisses her way down Jackie’s body, peels off her bra and panties along the way. She discards them on the duvet next to her - they stay there as she settles between Jackie’s thighs - and marvels at how Jackie’s back arches. She’s a perfect arrow, one that Jan follows with her tongue. Her feet are planted firmly on the bed so that she’s able to bend her knees, and Jan kisses at every corner of them before she looks up at Jackie. When she does, Jackie is already looking at her, and Jan smiles reassuringly. She noses at Jackie’s navel, then her dark, trimmed pubic hair. 

It makes Jackie squirm beneath her, and then her hips buck when Jan first kisses at her clit. 

They still go slow. 

Jan licks and sucks until Jackie is open and wet, and then adds two fingers that eventually become three. She pumps them inside of Jackie as Jackie whines, mewls, and curls them when Jackie’s hips begin to lift off of the mattress. Jan would normally hold her down by her hips, but this time, she can’t bring herself to do so. Jackie looks too good, too  _ beautiful _ writhing for her, because of her. Her eyes are closed tightly and she has one hand wrapped around the back of Jan’s neck, the other white knuckling the sheets. She also has her head tilted back slightly and her chest pushed outwards, and it means that Jan is able to keep her eyes trained on the rise and fall of Jackie’s chest. 

Jackie’s body tells her what she needs and how she needs it. 

_ When _ she needs it. 

And it also tells Jan that Jackie loves her, too. 

With touches and caresses and - 

With words. 


End file.
